As children grow up immersed in technology, timetables, and pressures it is possible to see that there is a storm brewing just beneath the surface. No doubt, most people envision childhood as a stage in life where a child is full of energy, curiosity and happiness, but today’s reality is quite different. At home, out of sight, some children are trying to come to terms with emotions beyond their vocabularies. The common experiences are of being overwhelmed, of feeling that they are not understood, of getting lost in their own world at times.
Observing signs of difficulty in a kid is not as easy as people would imagine. Every so often, a child who has been eagerly going to school in the morning will refuse to get up from the bed. Some who used to enjoy playing outside or attend any function within the family may turn to their bedroom preferring to be all alone in the dark. Those who once enjoyed their meals may display poor appetite, say, they turn the plate away, while at the other extreme, they become food seekers and overeaters.
If the expectations that parents have for children are very high, the burden of such pressure becomes parallel. The pressure to succeed academically, athletically, or otherwise could likely breed fear of failure hence, pessimism, anxiety and even depression. Children absorb this pressure and start perceiving the self in terms of accomplishment rather than personality. This over time makes them have a paralyzing fear of not meeting their parent’s expectations, and they hamper their emotional growth, imagination, and coping with failure. We should not forget that children benefit from environments that appreciate the process instead of results which embrace both success and the risk inherent in failures and mistakes.
A home is supposed to be a safe haven, but in the case of children being in contact with domestic violence or hostility, or even parental drug and alcohol dependency, a home becomes a field of battle, of pain and suffering. In such toxic environments, children are confined in situations that make them feel unsafe and alert at all times with nothing as a form of escape. This affects their psychophysical state where they almost always perceive threat, that in turn affects their emotional and mental well-being. Such children grow up with sensitization that they are cause of the mayhem that surrounds their young lives.
Joy rides and hellos turn into sadness and goodbyes at school where they would actively participate; and now they have every excuse not to go. It could become a routine to skip classes all together, to wake up with a strange pain somewhere that usually vanishes the moment you realize that school is out of the question. The child may become easily irritated and could even abandon their once close friends; which teachers might observe that a student who was earlier attentive is becoming more lethargic.
Still worse, some children can withdraw from confessing that they are involved in internal fights and struggles. They may begin to wear long sleeves and this, not because it is cold, but due to some mark, on their arms or legs, marks or scars given to self, that brings some sort of consolation to the massive feeling within. They may stand in front of the mirror, feeling dissatisfied with their appearance, no matter how many times you assure them they are perfect as they are.
The most devastating aspect of this is that most of these children are unable to ask for assistance. They are unable to articulate what is going on within themselves and frequently neither can the adults in their lives. Parents, teachers and friends may find it hard to accept the fact these are not just the child’s stages but a cry for help.
So, how do we respond?
The first and most effective is, thus, listening. Never underestimate or dismiss a child’s behavior shifts as a ‘phase that shall pass’, but rather spend time with the child. Give them a platform where they can be comfortable enough to speak with their minds even if not from the heart. Speaking without open words and gestures, but sitting quietly while being patiently near them, can also be effective. Do not force but be accessible.
Validate their feelings. So even when they paint a picture of problems that appear small compared to an adult’s issues, bear in mind, it is a mountain to them. Do not say things like, ‘cheer up’ or ‘stop throwing tantrums.’ Instead of judging them, let them understand that they are allowed to feel the way they do, and that you are there to assist them. Make them open up and freely speak without having to worry about being scolded or lectured by a parent, teacher, or any other individual they know.
Next, an important observation to make is the presence of patterns. Are certain activities or people deliberately avoided? Is there anything the child experiences that worsens their mood or seems to trigger it? It is essential to note these changes with concern, and if the situation requires professional attention, the necessary steps should be taken to seek professional consultation. For instance, if school is a significant source of stress, working with teachers to create a less stressful environment can be highly beneficial. In more severe cases, such as if the child refuses to open up to any caregivers, they should be taken to a child psychologist. If further intervention is needed, a referral to a child psychiatrist may be recommended.
Encourage small steps. At times when a child is overburdened, the magnitude of change is beyond the realm of possibility. Help them break things down— If approaching social functions feels unbearable, maybe tell them that they can sit out the event for few hours then leave if things get too intense. If their school work is accumulating, maybe draw an organizational chart of how they might work through their school work.
For teachers and peers, just extending an invitation to join a group makes a world of difference. In many cases, learners experiencing difficulties tend to feel out of place, and are lonely and in such cases, inviting the peer with a simple request to sit next to them in lunch or to work together in an organized assignment will mean a lot in changing the ideas they have in the social structure. Teachers also have a great responsibility to help shape a class environment where well-being is valued as much as achievement.
Today’s children are pressed from all sides and many of them just simply cannot bear the weight of the pressure anymore. In that capacity, parents, and educators must move away from a focus on performance to well-being. Give children gentle reminders to appreciate any accomplishment and reassure them that they do not have to try to achieve anything in order to be liked or accepted. The parents are the first instructors of their children in this world full of difficulties and undefined circumstances. Parents, as role models, need to demonstrate healthy ways of dealing with problems so that their children can learn to tackle challenges with strength and vigor. When parents create such an environment, they not only raise emotionally resilient children but also prepare them to face life’s challenges with greater confidence and capability. By setting positive examples, parents help their children develop a strong sense of self-worth, making them feel protected, cherished, and capable of handling emotional disturbances and overcoming life’s obstacles.
Lastly, practice patience. Overcoming something like this takes time, especially for a child navigating emotions they are only just beginning to understand. Be their unwavering support, their rock, as they grow and face a world that often feels overwhelming. Your steady presence can provide the comfort and strength they need to find their way through the confusion.
Moving forward, it is important to stress that with the present-day children, the situation is quite different. They are no longer exempt from handling the stress of the society and as much as the society changes, changing the way we handle mental health is crucial. It is imperative for us to enable them to get the support they need, not just when they seek it out but even when they cannot. In the words of renowned psychologist Carl Jung, “The healthy man does not torture others—generally it is the tortured who turn into torturers.” If we can help today’s children navigate their emotional challenges, we may be able to prevent future generations from bearing the same burden.
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